Self-Reliant Veganism

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

When I first read “Self-Reliance,” these words sunk into me, but I must have skimmed the rest of the essay. Emerson’s style and vocabulary put me off, an experience which I attributed to 150 years of drift in the English language. The problem only got worse as I read his other essays: I kept wondering when he would get to the point, or worse, if he had a point worth getting to (see: “English Traits”).

Recently I pulled down from the shelf a used, still-beautiful American Library hardcover collection of Emerson’s works I’d been lugging around, and decided to give him a second chance, starting with “Self-Reliance.” This time, the essay had a more powerful effect. Themes that were obscure before — the challenge to find original thought, Emerson’s pleas for the reader (or perhaps the writer) to avoid conformity — now seemed to apply to my life in unexpected ways.

If I want to be fully human, I need to create my own ideas — I can’t merely adopt ones I find lying around. Coming from Emerson, this otherwise bland message is a sharp reminder that even when I think I’ve worked something out, I still need to maintain the “integrity” of my mind, through the proper care and feeding of my ideas. Take veganism, for example: I can decide, given some evidence and critical thought, to eat a vegan diet, but pretty soon I may start calling myself a vegan, which means opting in to the vegan community. And that is quite a mixed bag, in Emerson’s view. Claiming membership for oneself in such a group poses a problem: what if I act not because I still believe in the shared values of the group, but because I want to continue to belong, to be known as, a vegan? The question evokes Foucault’s analysis of the Panopticon, a prison in which the prisoners know they are being watched, but do not know when. A human being living a busy, highly-connected life can find him or herself in this role far too often, I think, and the result is that our actions mean different things than we pretend they do. If we act with the warden on our back, then the meaning and our ultimate experience of our act changes; ideals may become prisons.

All that aside, I can’t claim to be a perfect vegan. After a year or so of trying to eat a vegan diet, I’m enthused and especially happy to live closer to an ideal that Peter Singer originally drove home for me. On some occasions I’ve called myself a vegan and have been called one. But have I been 100% consistent? No. Every once and a while I eat something that I know or suspect has dairy in it. Usually this happens when someone offers me food as a gift, or when I’m at a restaurant and I forget to ask. At these times I have competing values. Sometimes I value generosity from another human being more than I value my decision not to eat animal products. Likewise with waste: I can’t ever send food back; I hate wasting food.

I suspect that the desire to remain consistent in action, despite feeling conflicted, is a problem other vegans face. The world is complex, and we respond to it with principles that sometimes compete. Emerson would probably find that acceptable. The integrity of my mind is more important than achieving 100% consistency. After all, if the primary reason I eat tofu instead of cheese on any given day is that I wish to identify as a vegan, and not because I consider tofu healthier for the planet, then I will have lost my integrity, even if I remained consistent in action. As Emerson wrote, “I ask primary evidence that you are a man, and refuse this appeal from the man to his actions.” Not only my actions, but also my intentions, create the evidence that I am truly human.

Of course, what occurs to me as examples of “foolish consistency” may not occur to you. In my day-to-day life I think most about my family, technology, and food politics. A healthy critique of IT industry wisdom would do me good, but not you, perhaps. Instead, I will only encourage you to read “Self-Reliance.” And then, join me in re-reading it, some years from now, after the dust has settled, so that we can snap to attention once again.

No More Supermarket Blues

A few weeks ago, Kim and I were riding home from our weekly trip to Fred Meyer, and I had an epiphany: I never wanted to go back.

Kim wasn’t fond of Fred Meyer, either, so we hatched a plan to limit how much time we spent at the supermarket, and how much we bought, by buying groceries in bulk once for the entire month. Since we’d need a car for the monthly trip, we bought a membership at Zipcar, which has a hybrid available to rent for $7/hour. We had joined a CSA program through Helsing Junction Farms, which we would rely on for our weekly produce; and on the weekends we would buy a couple of items, like Dave’s Killer Bread (PS, this bread has an awesome story), at a local farmer’s market.

The plan has worked out so well that I’m not sure how we ever put up with the supermarket circus four times every month.

With all the time we’re saving not wandering the dizzying aisles of the supermarket, I’ve had time to reflect on why our experience buying directly from farmers, both at the farmer’s market and through our CSA, has meant so much to me.

I grew up in the suburbs of California and Oregon, shopping with my parents at all the popular big-box megastores. As an adult, I often gravitated back to these stores to avoid the hassle of traveling to multiple places to buy my food and household items. Fred Meyer (AKA Kroger’s), for example, sells produce, bulk food, socks, shoes, computers, toiletries, pharmaceuticals, vacuums, jewelry, bikes, plants, Christmas trees — the list is effectively endless, and I could always get 90% of what I need there.

During my early 20s, I began to have misgivings about this kind of store. Driving out to visit my parents in Gresham, I thought the concrete and retail blight of outer Portland was an eyesore compared to the Columbia River and the trees along the Washington border. These negative feelings peaked in 2006, after I returned from a trip to Ghana. While there, I had experienced a completely different approach to life than what I’d grown up with. One of the most notable differences was the central market. In Tamale, Kumasi, and Accra, Ghana’s major cities, I roamed immense central markets that twisted and surged with life. These markets were like cities within cities, and were constantly filled with people who came to buy food and supplies, in many cases directly from the people who ran the farms and from the tailors and craftspeople whose shops lay hidden like bright jewels within the catacomb of the market. These places were all the more beautiful because they appeared to be the creation of the Ghanaians who lived in those cities: over the years, new things — baubles, plastics and electronics — had all been grafted onto the timeless root at the center, the market.

Ghana showed me a way of life I never knew in the United States. The memories I had of Ghanaian markets lingered when I came back to Portland and had to interact, once again, with huge megastores owned by corporations that had no real stake in the cities in which they did business. Where were all the people selling food and things they worked to harvest or create? What kind of stuff was I buying, really? Most of it was factory-churned, bland, out-of-season, over-priced stuff harvested and created by, in many cases, low-paid workers, and the profits of the sales flowed directly out of Portland, Oregon. I know that my memory of Ghana was not informed by years of observation — I had my rose-tinted tourist glasses on — and the story there can’t really be too different from the story here (I’m sure not all of those people were selling stuff they had made, or food they’d harvested!). But, being there, and then returning home, helped me to realize an ideal I had for the way commerce should happen.

I wanted to incorporate parts of the Ghanaian lifestyle into my life, somehow; maybe not everything, but the good stuff, including the way I bought my food and supplies. Doing so proved hard. On my own, it seemed like I couldn’t really make a difference, even with something that appeared to be simple. Then I met Kim, and for a while, all the fun we were having getting to know each other led me to forget some of my ill feelings. Kim and I regularly shopped at Target, buying imported goods; we purchased electronics at Best Buy, furniture at Ikea, and groceries at Fred Meyer. My dissatisfaction with the American retail and food machine had not gone away, though. It only smoldered quietly.

Skip ahead to 2010. Kim and I weren’t exactly planning to drop out of mainstream American culture, but that is what seems to have happened. Over the past couple of years, we moved twice, each time closer to the inner-city. Pretty soon, we’d ditched our car for bicycles; we’d become vegetarians, then vegans, and had started buying mostly organic, local food. I resisted some of these changes, at first — especially buying organic and going vegan — while, at the same time, the more Kim read about the food industry, the more unhappy she felt with how we ate. All the cheap, factory-produced food; bland, imported produce; chemical-enhanced, boxed and double-packaged goods! I was like, “I can’t change. I don’t want to change!” But, once Kim got excited about finding an alternative, I started to feel excited, too, and before long we were creating for ourselves the kind of life I’d dreamed about since coming back from Africa. We bought more organic and local food, explored farmer’s markets, and shopped at local-farm-friendly stores like New Seasons.

Now, I know what I want from the experience of buying food and supplies:

  1. Cut out the middle man — buy direct when possible
  2. Support Willamette Valley, Oregon, and Washington farmers
  3. Do business in a community-owned and -operated space (not a corporate market)
  4. A fun atmosphere, a place of joy

In Fred Meyer, the bulk of our purchases were in a single produce aisle and a small island of “health food” hidden between a dozen aisles of beer, wine, cookies and cake. We usually locked our bikes at the opposite end of the store from the food, due to the direction we were coming from, which meant that we had to walk through half a mile of cluttered superstore nonsense, listening to elevator music and dodging lots of unhappy-looking people. Now, we have a much more enjoyable time buying organic food grown locally and responsibly, without hurting animals and without factories: once a week, Kim rides her bike to a house in our neighborhood to pick up the CSA box, and every Saturday we visit the farmer’s market at Portland State University where we buy food directly from farmers growing in the Willamette Valley and elsewhere in the Pacific Northwest.

Riding the Springwater Corridor

This weekend, Kim and I rode bikes from our apartment in the Lloyd District of Portland to the Tacoma Bridge, following the Esplanade and the Springwater Corridor. The ride took a couple of hours at our mild, Sunday-morning pace, and it offered gorgeous views of the Willamette River and Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge.

Spring and summer are the best Portland seasons. Perfect weather and big white clouds. I have to pause and remind myself often that other places in the world are not so verdant or pluming with foliage of all kinds; this bounty is on full display between May and September. “It’s so green here!” my father used to tell me. I suspect he loved southern California, where he spent most of life, but all he could talk about after we moved here in the 1990s was the deranged and lovely Oregon plant life — and the kindness of strangers.

Our halfway point on the ride was a pioneer church built in the 1800s that was, at one time, floated down the Willamette from its original location to the city of Sellwood, where it now sits. Kim and I walked our bikes to a quiet area behind the church where we ate snacks on an inviting bench.

You can’t beat true love and bicycles.

This Time It’s War

My favorite board game ever has to be Aliens, published in 1989 by Leading Edge Games.

aliens

If you’ve never played it, there is a Flash adaptation available, which seems to be free.

I was introduced to the game in the early 90s by the same guy who taught me how to play Dungeons & Dragons – an afterschool counselor named Juan. Thus I entered the hallowed halls of Geekery. On the days Juan worked, a group of Aliens-addicted kids would beg him to break out the game and let us try the suicide mission of the Reactor Room or the even-deadlier Operations & Air Ducts.

I don’t remember if we ever “won” the game (a certain number of characters have to survive for that to happen), but the taste of imminent-if-unrealized-victory and the crazy teamwork the game inspired left a lasting impression on me.

The game was out of print even when I first played. For years, as a teenager, I looked for it in comic and hobby shops around southern California, to no avail. So I gave up – and time went on, as it does. Then, several years ago, I started trolling Ebay, and I eventually snagged a good condition set for $70. Apparently it had become a collector’s item.

Since then, I have played it three times (and won twice). The last was tonight, with my wife, who for some odd reason felt compelled to indulge me.

Unpacking the box, I felt like that same excited middle-school kid explaining all of the rules to her: the aliens’ acid spray, the characters’ movement, the layout of the board. I remembered Juan explaining the same rules to me, so many years ago.

It’s a goofy game, sure – a Sci-Fi combat strategy. But it’s fast-paced and fun, and I consider it part of my childhood. After all, I spent so many days and nights thinking through possible ways to beat the game – more time than I spent on my homework! And you can’t beat the team play in a game that forces you to carry around incapacitated team members to win.

So, about tonight … Maybe having a new recruit set me back, but when we finally called it quits, we were down four characters. All of them were mine! Part of the reason, I think, was that after a bad run-in with some aliens in the southeastern quadrant of the board, I retreated my team and we changed from a split formation tactic into one group. Always a bad move.

If you play the game, I suggest splitting into two columns, and remember to always bring either Drake or Vasquez.

Coastal Bookstores

Kim and I are heading to Coos Bay this week to celebrate Thanksgiving with the Davidson clan.  I am already thinking of books — is that wrong?

My favorite thing to do on the Oregon coast, other than spend time with the in-laws and all of our super-adorable nieces, is trawl a couple of my favorite book stores.  These places are a different breed than what you find in Portland, with often random and surprising titles — probably because there isn’t so fierce a competitor as Powell’s.  The coast is where I discovered Jonathan Lethem, Ryūnosuke Akutagawa, and many others.  I am also pretty sure I first read Yukio Mishima somewhere on that foggy stretch.

I first read Yukio Mishima on the Oregon coast

Yukio Mishima was a pretty interesting guy...

If I am honest I know that there are probably less deals to be had now than when I was a teenager.  The rise of Internet shopping has changed the book landscape, and every bookseller feels it — though I know it’s been especially hard for smaller, independent shops over the past decade.  From a consumer’s perspective, since many books are now priced using Internet comparisons, books that should be expensive for the coast are sometimes cheap, and vice-versa.

But there is still something magical about these stores — two in particular that I really love.  You walk through the aisles and find yourself caught, dizzily browsing the foreign and familiar names.  If, like now, it is winter, then rain often lashes the small, old brick buildings.  The town’s lonely boulevard is empty of tourists, and perhaps when the front door opens you hear the crash of waves nearby, through the mist.

Then — pay dirt!  A $5.50 copy of that amazing Japanese or Italian novel you’ve been waiting to read, the one published a few years ago that you never bought.

So, check ‘em out:

Robert’s Bookshop
3412 S.E. Hwy 101
Lincoln City, Oregon 97367
541-994-4453

Yesterday’s Books
2051 Sherman Ave
North Bend, OR 97459-3306
(541) 756-7214

Books ‘N’ Bears
P. O. Box 2326
1255 Bay Street
Florence, Oregon 97439
541-997-5979

Reading Murakami Five Years Later

photo by <a href=

Kim and I have been reading The Wind-up Bird Chronice, one of Haruki Murakami’s best-known novels, for the past couple of months.  It has taken us a long time to get half-way through the book.  This is my second reading, and I am surprised to find that the author’s style, themes and approach leave me feeling a sense of distance that verges on yawning boredom.

I was the one who pushed for this book on our reading list, so I am a little shocked at  my response.  Murakami has meant and continues to mean a great deal to me as a writer.  The first stories I wrote as a young adult were little more than imitations of Murakami (and, to a lesser extent, Raymond Carver).  I doubt I am alone in my generation in saying that those two authors were my greatest early inspirations.

I know the exact month and year I first read Wind-up Bird. It was between March and April of 2003, during the US “Shock and Awe” military campaign in Iraq.  That was back when Portland’s anti-war marches drew thousands of people, and I was one of those young men who never missed a demonstration, partly out of ill will and of course partly from a desire to witness conflict.

Sometime after the initial US bombing of Baghdad, I read one of the long chapters in Wind-up Bird that describes Japan’s invasion of Manchuria.  The chapter was horrifying.  Soviet soldiers take the Japanese narrator and his party hostage, then torture and kill one of them by skinning the man alive.  Murakami’s own apparent self-searching over Japan’s responsibility for the atrocities of the Manchurian War struck home with me.

Now, though, I am bored by them.  And when I am not bored I am simply irritated: “Why are you repeating yourself, Murakami?  Do you care about May Kasahara and Kumiko, or are they just puppets?”

Why is that?  It could be me — purely.  I tend to read novels once, against Navokov’s advice, so it is possible that reading the book a second time brings the old boredom out.  Perhaps I am not mature enough to return over and over to the same favorites.

Yet it seems that the opposite is true, and I have grown up.  After reading Wind-up Bird in 2003, I set off driving down the West Coast to visit family in southern California.   I was unemployed, having been laid off from my tech job due to outsourcing, and I blubbered to my California family over all the common ills of young adulthood, most of which came down to no money and lack of purpose.

Since then, I have witnessed the death of my father, traveled to Ghana, met my loving wife, watched in horror as the dollar declined.  And I saw — for the first time in my life — the man I voted for as President elected.

In the aftermath of  all these big, serious life events I seem to be left wondering, why is this book so remote?  It can’t just be the translation: I read all his other stuff through that gauze; even this book.  No, I think it’s Murakami’s style.   His chained-together dreams, the way he always seems to grope in the dark for the next invented metaphor — these tics rub against me in the sentences and pages as Kim and I read them.

What I want now is something real, something concrete, as Toru Okada, the protagonist of Wind-up Bird might say.  I suppose that means it is time to buy Murakami’s latest book, which in a strange contrast to most of his work is a non-fiction title on running (with a name that puns Raymond Carver’s famous short story, “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love”).

A book on running?  No supernatural underworld, unexplained phenomena, one-armed men or disappearing shadows?  Oddly enough, that sounds exactly like what I want at this moment in my life.